With many things in the past, somehow the past never really leaves you. I’ve been dreading each day about how I live it. I’ve change a lot. Mentally I’m not the same as i used to be. I want to be alone, now and forever. I’ve decided to be distant from everyone and mostly from the people I love the most. Its not because I don’t want them in my life but because I don’t want anyone to remember me or miss me when I’m gone. Its tough and moreover its depressing, but I have decided to be alone. Thoughts are Clouding my mind and raining sorrow on my ground. I’ve tried a lot, I’ve given chances a lot. Its not about love but about life. I will never be able to explain the moment I stopped living and just started existing. Time is just an illusion to me. Oh, how i hope that one day i wake up from this nightmare and hope for it to be the end. But i can’t. Maybe next time it’ll be better. Maybe next time everything will fall in place where it should be, and maybe next time i wont have to write this. But in this life maybe one of you will read this and understand why I became so distant from you, from everyone. I love you i really do. But I’m no longer in love with myself and I’ve to stay alone to be sane. You still matter to me. All of you do. And you always will. Sorry.
Momentary pleasures, Temporary Tokens
To a Paradise vague on Promise
Time only extends without permission
We move along in a hope to find more
Not always though, do we end up with a glass full of sin laced comfort to be overused when times get tough
In a bed that breaks time, I’m a space that freaks my luck dime into countless safety measures
People keep saying that you should always take time to connect with your thoughts, but I hate being alone with my thoughts. Its a painful paradise of scars inflicted by my own mind and by my own choices. I just hate it, to keep reliving the mistakes i made, the choices i left and the time I wasted. Alongwith painful memories are my painful regrets, and u forever wish to keep them bottled up because if they clout my mind then i fear i’ll lose what little i’ve left of myself.
I’m so done… Reliving different nightmares on different nights… I just can’t. I know that they’re just dreams and they don’t mean shit in real life but when you are in a place that I am it can really fuck up your mind too. I saw something different today, something new, or should i say something along the lines of what I always see but a step forward. You see, everyday, every night, everytime i sleep i always see my loved ones in my dream who keep asking me to come with them. They’re just so convincing that I mee to leave with them and its so hard not to, but I never leave. Tonight it was different, tonight I didn’t leave but yet i passed away. My heart ached for the ones i loved but the thing that scared me the most was, how at peace i felt… Even in my dreams i felt so much at peace. Yes, it was heartbroken by seeing everyone without me but eventually I knew everything will be back to normal just as it would in real life. I’m not even sure if this classifies itself as a nightmare or not. I’ve had so many bad dreams so many moments where I wake up suddenly and I’m not able to sleep again but this…this was something different, I slept… I slept like i had nothing left to do, no one left to talk to, and for once i slept because that was the only thing to do…
maybe the moon knew all along
that I would grow up to be a lonely souland maybe that’s why it has always followed me at night, staying above me and following me through the darknessbecause it knew, that nights are the hardestnights are when I miss you the mostnights are when I miss our long conversationsnights are when I miss listening to your breath when you fall asleepnights are, when I slept knowing that the next day you’ll be the fist thing i see in my phones screenand maybe the moon knew all of this way earliersooner than you and sooner than meand maybe that’s why it still always follows me through the darknessi can open up my heart and tell the moon everything and it feels like I’m talking to youmaybe, the moon is you.
So heavy within the shadows
We try to glitter in a flock of lucent
The life has vanished like a grey behind clouds
Dark among the breeze
We demand thoughts beyond the rain
The thunder only brought hard darkening silence
That leaves us
Walking out of the world with memories of water
The endless wrap to be fine,
and everything it costs,dining out with headaches,leaving with a full stomach, often missed,apocalypse inside, sun kissed empty streets,scaring for sheets the teachers leech,is not but gratitude laced with a rule,to always respect the fool on in you who makes,you drool when eyes from a past long forgotten,comes back with a force and facing the facts,become an escape route i’d rather cross blindfolded,no, you never really saw the ocean then why do you keep writing poems on rocks that face the waves.
I am arid before the dream
I prod electric lights beyond the clouds
Heavy! The life continues
Dark and sensuous among the air
We breed poisonous fears near the shadows.
Strange and quiet beyond the sky
We stretch musty dreams within the rain.
blurring at the edges, something missing, In whose arms the arid sailor seeks the road back in the late light.
Pressing the keys in haste i can feel I can’t breathe easy, the fingers catching speed in desperation of the fury to express my thoughts. The darkness is a thread on my cloth that I can’t seem to untwine. The sun deprived blocks feel more sleepy than a hundred days without the comfort of my bed. And yet I can confirm I’m the same old me, I’m just a metaphor and words divided into desires of different forms of stories etched in people’s life told and untold, some that have been uttered and some which still rests in silence in the grave of the abyss. I’m still the wind that moves the same and nothing changes except the sky, the clouds and the weather. The pillow lesson is to breathe full and not let technology fool me thrice and staring faces i know or don’t i can’t decide. So i wake up everyday before I confirm my end, I wake up to find myself just the same, the world is flipping upside down, and I wake up just the same. The hypocrisy in my veins, it runs to save me from a honest man’s misery, faithful burdens in their shortest version, I’m still, the same fighting for ignorance but still in realizations of the wider self who sees more than us, who seeks more than us, the wider self at the start of each day.
What is it that I want? It’s getting frustrating to be inside my own mind being held captive by the thoughts that smother me every minute and doesn’t let me escape. What is it that I do now? I did something which I never thought I would have done. I spilled the beans of a portion of my thought whilst in anger and frustration which i never should’ve done because no one should see that side of me. No one should experience my thoughts because it will leave them speechless and send chills down their spine as it does to me. Why can’t I just end it? Why can’t I just cease to exist? My brain is just out of things to worry and bother about now. People say drug is addicting and leaves you numb, they surely never overdosed themselves on pain. Have you experienced so much pain that you just go numb? You feel everything and nothing at the same time? You have the rush to end yourself and still feel yourself frozen not being able to move a limb? I’m so done. I’m just tired, so fucking tired to fix everything and make things work. Guess you can’t fix shit if you can’t fix yourself. I might leave sooner than expected. I can’t hold on much longer. I just can’t.