What is it that I want? It’s getting frustrating to be inside my own mind being held captive by the thoughts that smother me every minute and doesn’t let me escape. What is it that I do now? I did something which I never thought I would have done. I spilled the beans of a portion of my thought whilst in anger and frustration which i never should’ve done because no one should see that side of me. No one should experience my thoughts because it will leave them speechless and send chills down their spine as it does to me. Why can’t I just end it? Why can’t I just cease to exist? My brain is just out of things to worry and bother about now. People say drug is addicting and leaves you numb, they surely never overdosed themselves on pain. Have you experienced so much pain that you just go numb? You feel everything and nothing at the same time? You have the rush to end yourself and still feel yourself frozen not being able to move a limb? I’m so done. I’m just tired, so fucking tired to fix everything and make things work. Guess you can’t fix shit if you can’t fix yourself. I might leave sooner than expected. I can’t hold on much longer. I just can’t.
She was a STORM from day one,
I knew you would swoop me over sooner than my
head would turn.
We revive and recieve after we throw and deceive the notion of a wave passing us by. Everyday is a testament to our character, the code altered and time a figure of belief that is neither solid nor air, but it exists all around us like the only thing that karma hangs upon without each other, there is no universe.
the first hour after waking up everyday is the
heaviest. slowly the fever goes away, slowly i prepare forthe day only to know it’s about to end when i go back to bed.
i have only known the toxic side of love
in all angles, preached the wrong idols fell for plastichobbies and coffins dressed as candy. i must’ve beena sick man, with my flickering desire to have theunattainable all the time, but everytime the sea hitsback, it’s quite a blow to get back up
I don’t know how much longer will i be able to hold myself together. It just hurts my head trying to make everything work and it pisses me off when even after all my efforts everything still stays fucked up. It hurts to try being normal and masquerade a smile on my face. Not going to lie i’ve not even been to smile nowadays. Fixing yourself after being broken is the hardest thing you ever have to do. I know I said i dont know how much longer i’ll be able to hold myself together but isn’t it what I’ve always done? I do it all the time. The only difference is this time i realize that i’m doing it, other times its like a reflex action of my mind that I don’t even know is happening. I’m trying… I’m tying so hard… I don’t know what happens next but i just wish i can fix the situation, because I know fixing myself was never an option.
The sky is split, the other side is what it’s all about, they exist only for the balance of our mundane based reality. Tightly knitted like the human brain, the same applies to all creations of this planet our mother, she sees both light and dark, concrete and cracked, a new world and the glitches involved. The sky is split, like us. The more you see is less, that which remains is the crust of our understanding of the world.
It is after a long time that I felt like shit right at the moment I woke up, usually it happens later in the day. It is after a long time that I even woke up. It is after a long time i dared to open my eyes to an early morning mist, the gist of which has left me endlessly searching for the now in me not the yesterday in me.
– Tanmay Roy
flowers to cigarettes
long calls to sad songs
long drives to solo walks
I guess i’ve always been a loner. Its not that i’m not sociable or that I don’t have friends, I just know that deep inside I’m alone and i’ll always be alone. Its hard to connect with someone when you can’t even connect to yourself. Every relationship that I get into turns out to be a mess for some or the other reason. Now i dont even try to be with anyone anymore. I feel like i had what people call the real love and I lost it, I lost you. Ever since that all i tried was to fill that void you left. By no means am i blaming you for my failed relationships its just that i know deep inside it can’t work out. I’ve been a mess from the past few years and have been a failure in every sense. The only thing that keeps me calm is writing what i feel, what i think, what i want to do and what i go through. Its not the relationships that have destroyed me as a human being nor is it the person i trusted the most backstabbing me. It’s me who has destroyed myself.
Maybe this is what happens when you grow up in a broken home. I have good memories of my childhood but they’re just so vague. I remember me and my brothers fighting and practicing wwf moves, I remember sitting on the terrace at night watching the stars with my mom and brothers and for some weird reason i remember seeing the red skin colour when I closed my eyes and sunlight fell on it, it calms me somehow. But that’s all the good memories i have overshadowed by the years and years of worst memories. Its hard to accept the fact that the worst memory you’ll every have will be from your own home. I guess I never grew out of the bad place. It made a home inside me because my brothers left for work and I hardly see them anymore. My dearest middle brother left for work in a foreign country and i couldn’t imagine how hard it is for him to work round the clock and manage in a new place away from home. My eldest brother is a troubled person but he too moved away got married and i was still stuck in the same place where i’ve always been. There was no place i could go because who would look after mother? No one.
Among all these chaos i found you. You understood me and you chose me almost like a kid chosing a broken toy and saying “hey i want to fix it and play with it”! And i wanted to be fixed, I wanted to feel needed, I wanted to feel something other than the constant problems and pressure of my home. I’m so glad you came into my life and taught me what love was and how beautiful life could be. It was tough enough not telling my family about you and still being with you but tougher when you left me. Left us. I read somewhere that every good thing must come to an end and i couldn’t even understand it until this happened with me, you happened to me. Never have i told anyone about us except for one person because my heart was so heavy i needed to vent it out somewhere. Being angry all the time, punching walls, smashing glass and banging my head on walls was not enough to numb the pain you left inside of me. It’s true that people take a part of you with them when they leave you and you did, you took my best part from me, the part that made me human, the part that helped me feel love and give love. I just saw your body once when I visited outside your home with my friend and that’s it. Didn’t even come to the funeral because I couldn’t. Sorry if it made you mad but i could not. Hell you left me alone to suffer i guess i’ve a right to leave you alone at funeral! That’s the last time I get to be angry on you right? Well i did. After you were gone i kept myself bottled up for so many years. Met people but never really fell in love. It was just a relationship where I was because I didn’t want to be alone, had sex, smoked cigarettes and drank sometimes. I did fell for one girl and spent quite some years with her when she decided to give me an ultimatum for some reason. She told me to choose between her and my mom and dad. Guess my dad got on to her nerves because of how drunk he used to be and she saw it multiple times. If it would’ve been about leaving my dad i would’ve done it in a heartbeat but my mom no i just couldn’t. I had to leave her because she said i had to leave my parents. Never talked to her ever since and no one even knows this reason except the same person i told about before. I guess no one needs to know because you get the world to tell you left me and it kind of makes you look good right? Well i dont care. Never did care about what anyone thinks. Atleast not since past couple of years. Ever since that as well my relationships have never been ideal so i decided not to be in one at all. I can’t fake anymore, I can’t destroy someone’s life knowing i’ll never be happy with them. Hell I’m not happy with myself. I’ve lost the ability to try and give effort in a relationship. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’m numb inside. I hardly feel anything. Its like everything that’s happened through childhood has made me dead inside. I’m a walking corpse with a smile.
The only reason I’m still alive and breathing is because of my mother. Because she would be devastated if i ever die in front of her eyes. She’s the reason i pulled myself back so many times while ending my life. I mean, who would miss me? Eldest brother doesn’t give a fuck about me honestly he has his own family, dad expired and even when he was alive apart from the last 1 year he didn’t give a flying fuck about me as well. My middle brother is a gem of a person and although he might miss me, he has a family now a wife who can take care of him and he’s so strong emotionally he can handle it. My friends won’t miss me after sometime maybe some people would but life goes on. This year I lost one of my cousin brother who was very close to me and it just broke me even more. Her daughter and I have been very close since then, or so I feel. She’s like the friend i wanted with a golden heart i talk to and I’m glad she also has people who can take care of her. Not that she needs to be taken care of she’s just perfectly capable of doing everything on her own bug still its good to know she has people to take care of her. So even she would forget me after a while.
And how can i forget my precious friend from kolkata, such a beautiful soul you’re an angel truly. I swear sometimes talking to you takes all my worries away even if its for a couple of hours. Kolkata might be full of colours but you’re the one who actually adds colour to everyplace you go. You’re the friend one needs to have always by their side and I’m glad you were always with me. Your friendship means the world to me. I know life’s hard for you too but you have it in you to overcome everything and become what you always wanted to be. I may have never told you this but i truly love you and adore you. As long as I’m alive you’ll always have me to be with you. And i know you’ll be fine without me as well like everyone else. You’ll move on too and I’m glad about it. I’ll miss you so much.
All I want is when people remember me they do it with a smile. I might not have done anything extraordinary but i do like to spread Kindness and happiness wherever I go because I know how much everyone needs it and i know how it feels to be without one.
I try to do something good because I just know that no matter how insignificant i am to the world i must pay my dues. I will never be able to pay my dues completely i know that but i’ll try my best. But i will have to work hard for it because I don’t have a long term life goal. My life will end with my mother and that’s decided. As much as it hurts to think about it i know its life and everyone has to go. And if everything works according to my plan i can leave with my mom. Accompany her in afterlife if there really is one.
I hope I did something good in this life.
And i love everyone close to me, if you’re reading this you’re one of them.